The heart is a fickle thing.

November 25, 2009

Mine certainly is anyway.

So, one day I’m on the verge of falling in love with him, and the next it’s all gone tit’s up. He’s smothering me; I literally feel like I can’t breathe.  He calls me beautiful every other sentence – adorable in practice but very annoying in theory. I’m a independent woman, and although I always wanted to feel loved, I never wanted to feel tied down which is what he’s doing. He’s wanting a big serious relationship, when I just want a fling, make out for a bit, make eachother feel special and it’s over before it’s started. I’d much prefer lots of those than one huge thing. May sound like a ho, but life is just more fun that way.

He’s also trying to stop me self harming. Now, a lot of people have tried to do that but I hoped as a ex-self harmer him self he would realize that I need to do it, but no, he’s trying to make me stop. Tonight I did it worse than I have in a long while, and felt suicidal again – the opposite feeling I had hoped for when I was in a relationship. He’s trying to change one of the major things that makes me, ‘me’, and I don’t like it.

Don’t get me wrong, he’s brilliant. He’s sweet, and funny, and a good kisser. But I don’t feel anything in return. I know most girls would be really happy with him and I know I’m selfish and stupid for not liking him but I can’t help it. My life is screwed up enough already without an extra complication. Unfortunately I could never bring myself to dump him, so I’m gonna have to live with it for as long as I can. Maybe it’s just my BPD (No, not doctor diagnosed but I’m 99.9% sure I have it), and I’ll really like him again tomorrow. Who knows.


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