It’s my brother’s 18th birthday party tonight, which will be um … fun? My parents are split up, and both Mum and Dad’s family are coming, which will make life awkward for me to say the least. Oh well, atleast it’s a night away from my boyfriend. And I can get drunk.

I have found a new love – torrenting. It’s so much easier than other types of downloading, and I’ve managed to get an album I’ve been looking for online for a month or so – The Dresden Dolls by The Dresden Dolls. I absolutely love this album, aswell as Yes, Virginia … and they are one of my favorite bands ever. My all time favorite singer is Emilie Autumn, electric violins + a beautiful voice + “a post apocalyptic Mary Antoinette” = the most brilliant, victorianindustrial Emilie Autumn.

(L-R The Dresden Dolls, Emilie Autumn)


The heart is a fickle thing.

November 25, 2009

Mine certainly is anyway.

So, one day I’m on the verge of falling in love with him, and the next it’s all gone tit’s up. He’s smothering me; I literally feel like I can’t breathe.  He calls me beautiful every other sentence – adorable in practice but very annoying in theory. I’m a independent woman, and although I always wanted to feel loved, I never wanted to feel tied down which is what he’s doing. He’s wanting a big serious relationship, when I just want a fling, make out for a bit, make eachother feel special and it’s over before it’s started. I’d much prefer lots of those than one huge thing. May sound like a ho, but life is just more fun that way.

He’s also trying to stop me self harming. Now, a lot of people have tried to do that but I hoped as a ex-self harmer him self he would realize that I need to do it, but no, he’s trying to make me stop. Tonight I did it worse than I have in a long while, and felt suicidal again – the opposite feeling I had hoped for when I was in a relationship. He’s trying to change one of the major things that makes me, ‘me’, and I don’t like it.

Don’t get me wrong, he’s brilliant. He’s sweet, and funny, and a good kisser. But I don’t feel anything in return. I know most girls would be really happy with him and I know I’m selfish and stupid for not liking him but I can’t help it. My life is screwed up enough already without an extra complication. Unfortunately I could never bring myself to dump him, so I’m gonna have to live with it for as long as I can. Maybe it’s just my BPD (No, not doctor diagnosed but I’m 99.9% sure I have it), and I’ll really like him again tomorrow. Who knows.

Young girls move on fast.

November 24, 2009

I met a new guy on Friday, and now he’s my first ever boyfriend. And I swear he’s the sweetest guy I’ve ever met.

I know it sounds stupid, as I told the other guy I liked him on Thursday, but if he doesn’t like me back then what’s the point? And my new fella makes me feel like the most important girl in the world, and the brilliant news is since I’ve been talking to him I haven’t wanted to self harm *dances* . I can’t stop smiling when I’m with him, and it’s a natural smile, not one I’ve forced to keep others happy.

One slight issue – I’m 14, and he’s 19 nearly 20. But it doesn’t feel like that when I’m with him, and personally, I think that’s all that matters. He makes me happy, and I really like him. Also, he promised he would never try it on with me, and knows his boundaries.

So, yay for tall skinny guys with black emo hair and dark brown eyes that I could stare into for hours. Yay for guys who make you feel like the most important girl in the world. And yay for guys who love you for who you are, without having to change a thing.

So I told him … he doesn’t feel the same way, not that I expected him to. It’s just the hope of him loving me back was actually keeping me happy, and it felt like he was the only one who could save me. It will take me forever to find someone no. Plenty more fish in the sea, eh?

(Sorry about the title, Gwen Stefani moment.)

Okay, so I saw my shrink, an it all went well. Except for the fact she really wants to tell my mum that I’m seeing her.

No way. Not now, not ever, thanks.

Ooooon the other hand, seeing the guy who I’m in love with and have been for years tonight, and am planning on telling him how I feel..  it’s weird though, most of my feelings for him have been gone for a month or so. Maybe that’s why I have the courage now to tell him. He’s so hot, and so nice. Unfortunately I don’t think he feels the same. Oh well, tonight I’ll find out. ♥

So, I self harm. And I just did. Now, I feel fucking guilty, like always.

Viscous circle, eh?

Oh well. I’ve done it for three years, and probably will for another three, and three after that

And no, nothing you or anyone else can say will stop me. People have tried, and all have failed. Have a appointment with a shrink on Wednesday, and I’m shitting a brick about it. Suicidal teenager gets told she’s messed up. I knew that thanks, anything new? No, didn’t think so. I’ll probably just get drugged up and shoved along. If I get sectioned, I swear I’ll scream. God, I hope I don’t.

Best bit? My parents and best friends have no idea I’ve contacted my doctor, that I’m on the verge of killing myself, or am failing in school. Except one; Kelda, I love you.